Renewed Strength

 My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. 

 I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus name.  

The holidays were rough and the wait just keeps getting harder. I found myself getting cynical and very weary in the waiting, "...until I entered the house of the Lord..." Some friends asked how everything was going with the adoption and the dam broke.  We were told to expect our referral in September and every month it turns into "next month". January has been no exception, and I am just so tired of waiting.  The words echoed in my mind as we began to pray together and I realized something.  Somewhere along the line I started waiting on people and papers.  No wonder I was exhausted!  "Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength!  They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint."  I repented and shifted the weight of my waiting back towards the Lord.  I am so grateful for the finished work of the cross.  We  can come to him with any burden, sin, or struggle...anything that hinders love and freedom in our lives, and he lifts it from us, washes us clean, and renews our mind with his truth that sets us free.

So I am choosing to wait on the Lord, and put my hope in Him.  It's nice :) I will not stop praying and fighting for my children to come home, but I will do it in the strength that comes from Him, and I will be thankful!  Instead of complaining about what is not yet here, I am choosing to be hopeful for it and thankful for what God has done.

Here is a little recap of what HAS happened in the last couple of months:  

We finished the girl's bedroom!  Brent laid new flooring in their room, Grace helped me paint the walls, and Elijah helped sand and paint furniture.  I was able to get all their bedding, pillows and rug with a loving generous gift from friends.

There is a sweet, fabulous group of women that I had the privilege of sitting around a table with

for a women's bible study almost two years ago.  They have been kind, faithful friends and have shown so much support towards our journey.  They had been cooking up an idea for an adoption fundraising Holiday Boutique for a long time and it came to fruition this Christmas.  They raised funds for three adopting families.  It was a beautiful and successful event! I am so grateful for such love.

 We received a call from our agency early one morning to let us know what we needed to do to move forward with the adoption of the twins older brother.  We needed more papers State Certified, so I grabbed my posse and we headed up to Sacramento that morning.  Remember that one time it rained all day long?  It was that day.  We made it safely there, got all our papers taken care of, and of course I just had to take every one to Estelle's Patiserie.  We celebrated with lovely cakes, macarons, and giant chocolate filled croissants.  Then walked back to the van while it poured rain on us.

We finally decided on keeping all four boys together in the boy's existing bedroom.  I was amazed at how it all came together and how much room they have.  Solomon and I took a road trip to IKEA to bring home bunk beds and bedding for their room.  We had a great time on the road, got a chance to pray with strangers, ate swedish meatballs, raced around on shopping carts and came home with what we needed.  Success!

He built both beds the next day!

I must not forget to tell you, while painting the boys room I received a phone call from one of the adoption grant agencies that we had applied to.  I was completely stunned when she announced to me that we had received a unbelievable $15,000.00 grant from their organization!!!!  I am so far beyond thankful. This is almost exactly what we needed for our son!  It is these moments that I can see why Jesus says, "Don't worry about ANYTHING, but pray about everything." There is no number too big and no need to great for Him, and I am thankful.

A Tale Of Two Teens

Today our eldest turned 13. A teenager. What a significant milestone right?  Brent and I had been specifically praying several months prior to his birthday, that the Lord would "launch" him into this next season of life.  We've felt so amazed and happy to see the Lord bless, honor, encourage, and fill him in some pretty outstanding ways.  We are incredibly grateful.

Today I can't help but think of the fact that we have two teenage boys....one that we have seen and known from the moment he took his first breath (I can still see him turning towards my voice and seeing one little eye peer open and look up at me) and one that we have never met.  To one of them we gave a name, but aren't even sure if we're pronouncing the name of the other correctly.  We have changed diapers, wiped tears, laughed with, argued with, snuggled with, hurt for, cheered for, and read stories to one of them for thirteen years, but have not yet heard the sound of the others voice.

Today I am reminded that God may use one thing to launch one person into their destiny, and something completely different for another.  He may use one circumstance to extend his grace and make one strong, and something polar opposite for another.  He will use whatever we have to give, and whatever it is, even if it is brokenness and confusion,  He can make it beautiful and use it for His glory. I am reminded, as I cry over every fisher price commercial because I will never see the chubby cheeks, or toddling walks of three of my children, that God is not bound to our idea of the blessed life.  He is wise and sovereign.  He has not cheated one and blessed the other.  He makes all things beautiful in His time.  He gave His life for all. They have both been given life, and have been living it for thirteen years.  They are both boys.  They are both my sons.  They are both heading into a new and significant season of life.  They both have purpose.  They both have destiny.  Two lives, two stories, one Author and Perfecter.  I pray they will both choose Him.

Today I choose to throw all my hope on Christ, the solid rock.  I choose to rejoice in the fact that He is Redeemer.  He found me when I was lost and broken, and healed and transformed my life, and adopted me as His own.  He set my life on this course.  I choose to trust in Gods plans for these boy's lives, and to look with joyful expectancy at the future that God has for both of them.  Tell me, is there anything to hard for God? 

These brothers need to meet!

 *Side note here! Although I have not met him or heard his voice yet, I have seen his picture and I absolutely can not wait for the day I get to share that amazing face with you! Please keep praying for us that God will give us the grace to endure and that he will keep moving miraculously on their behalf.  I never would have imagined that we would be spending another Christmas without them. It is so hard, but we are trusting and continuing to ask and ask for their soon home coming!

"God, the one and only— I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? He’s the solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul,  An impregnable castle: I’m set for life." Psalm 62 message

We Are Filled With Joy!

I have spent several early mornings and late nights looking up at the stars and echoing the psalmist, "What is man that you are mindful of him..." I have thought over and over again, "We are just one little family...we are nobodies, yet you are moving mountains for us..." He has done miracle after miracle for us and for our little ones to come, and I am so thankful.  I am also glad that I don't have to wait, or give a little space before I ask for another miracle! There is no shortage with our Father and it is His good pleasure to give us the kingdom.

I want to share with you some of the amazing things he has done and is doing.  If you look over to the right you will see our thermometer has reached $50,000.00.  Is this not insane?!! I cant even explain it!  I'll admit, sometimes when people ask how much money it is costing us to adopt, I don't always give them the real answer.  I'll say over $30k or around $49k, because once you get past $50k it's just so unrelatable for most of us, so I don't even say it. But here it is!  Even though I had no clue as to how this money was going to come in, I knew He would do it.  And even though I knew He would do it, and He has done it, I am still completely blown away! We are praising God for His favor and provision, and for so many loving generous souls who carry such incredible vision for the Kingdom.

Now, I did say amazing things (plural) so, what else could be so amazing? Praise God we are NOT done raising funds yet because, well, the Lord has seen fit to give us another son!!! Yes, we are beside ourselves with joy and laughter because God has held this beautiful miracle in His heart forever, and it is now unfolding before our eyes and we can hardly take it in.

We were told early on that the twins had a brother, but that he had "aged out" and was not adoptable. We've had conversations as to how we could keep he and the twins connected in the future, but that was the extent of it.  However, a few weeks ago Brent and I were praying for all our kids and he mentioned to me that as he was sharing with a friend about the twin's older brother, he started to cry.  We prayed for him, but deep in my heart I thought, "Oh Lord, does this mean something more for our family?" I felt the nudge to inquire about this brother, and found that he has only just recently turned 13, and he is in fact adoptable! When I read the information, I just stared at the screen with tears running down my face.  I couldn't even form a thought.  I had to rush off to a Dr.s appt. and then head out of town.  I got some good time on the road to pray and think.  As the minutes flew by, love, hope, and courage began to grow inside of me, and I could hardly contain my joy.  Brent, Solomon, and I (we both felt led to include Soli in the process of praying, and listening, believing for unity) prayed for two days and all felt strongly that we were supposed to adopt this precious boy.  So we are now on the path toward bringing him home as well!

We have been amazed over and over at the perfect timing of the Lord throughout this whole journey, and we just have to believe that the discovery of this brother, at this time, is all in God's hands. I can't help but think, "Who is this boy, Lord?! Who is this priceless treasure that you are setting apart for your glory, for such a time as this?" Oh, we can hardly wait to get to know him!

Hovering Hope, Hand in Hand, and Hahaha!!!

One of my favorite pictures from scripture is in the very beginning.  “….In the beginning the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the waters.”   This word moved -rachaph, means to be moved and effected with the feeling of tender love; to brood on eggs (as a hen); to sooth a child (as a mother). 

The word “move” has been a theme for us throughout this adoption process. We have felt so moved by the heart of God towards adoption, and recognize in a new way how deeply and fiercely the Father’s heart is moved towards His children. We have prayed for, and seen papers and processes miraculously move.  We are seeing huge financial mountains move.  And we see many friends moved and effected with a feeling of tender love towards our family.  Many of you are brooding over our “eggs” with us! This is the most cherished gift we could receive.  We knew from the very start that we needed family and friends around us to help walk this journey out.  And because of so many of you we have felt the strength to run! 

The past few weeks have been quite emotional for us. The twins had their 8th birthday on October 3rd, and that was very hard for me.  The longing for them grows more everyday.  But the days surrounding their birthday were filled with some very happy encouraging news. Things are moving! Here are some of the miracles that God is doing on our behalf....

1. Our previous debt for the first payment for the twins IS GONE!!!!  $15,000.00 DONE.  (I really want to write that again)  Our previous debt for the first payment for the twins IS GONE!!!!  $15,000.00 DONE. Such an incredible miracle!

2. We received our first grant!!! It is a matching grant from Hand in Hand Adoption, Inc. and it is a matching grant for $5,000.00!!!!  So, we raise 5 and they add 5! All this money will be able to go towards our next payment due when our referral comes. If you have ever thought about giving towards our adoption, now would be a great time to do so!  (*Details for giving are at the bottom of this post)

3. Much to our agency coordinators surprise, she received news from Haiti that we were much further along in the process than she had thought.  Although I can't share details, if you want to pray for something specific, please pray for the children's judge in Haiti to sign the papers we need for our referral!!!  Once we receive our referral we fly out to meet them for our bonding trip,  we are free to visit them as often as possible from this point until they are home with us, and we will finally get to show you their beautiful faces and share more information about their stories. 

Aaaaaaannd 4.  The twins just turned 7, NOT 8! Hahaha!!! :D The papers had all communicated that the twins were already seven and that their birthdays are Oct 3rd, but I never bothered to do the math.  They were born Oct 3, 2007.  This is so sweet to know we have another year of life with them.  I thought seven was gone. 

Just like the Holy Spirit moved over the watery void in preparation for light and life to spring forth, we have experienced many moments where there has been nothing in sight and we've mostly just felt the empty void, but can deeply sense the presence of the Holy Spirit moving and preparing us for what God has.  It is in these miraculous moments of provision, and progress that we get glimpses of what is to come and hope is stirred!  We can hardly wait for the day that we see these little lives spring forth and their adoption is complete.  We know that one day the Lord will speak the word and they will be completely released to us as sons and daughters!

I want to thank you so much for reading and taking interest in our journey.  If you have prayed at all for us, please know that we are immensely grateful.  I absolutely know these miracles are happening because of prayer.  If you have given at all, whether it was a check in the mail or a trunk load of yard sale donations, thank you thank you thank you!  God has moved huge mountains through your generosity, and our hearts are racing with excitement as we move closer to the day we will meet our son and daughter and bring them into our family!!!


*If you would like to give towards the matching grant fund all donations are due by November 14, they are tax deductible, and will go towards our next fee of $15,000 which is due as soon we receive our referral.  Please make checks  payable to “Hand in Hand Christian Adoption” (for tax purposes please include our name on the outside of the envelope only. Do not put our name on the check itself) postmarked by November 14, 2014 to:

Hand in Hand Christian Adoption, Inc.
Brent and Monica Stahl
18318 Mimosa Court
Gardner, KS 66030

Look! Five little eggs. In time, we shall see....For now, we believe.

I Found Treasure!

I am so grateful for the seed that was planted long ago in my hubby's heart for adoption.  He has a papa's heart and deeply loves and values family.  I am thankful for the anchor he is for our household, and for the wisdom and perspective he brings.  Although I almost always complain about it, because it is different from mine, I truly treasure it and am grateful for the richness that it brings to my life.

This morning was one such treasured morning.  I dreamt last night that we were in Haiti for our bonding trip.  A woman showed me into a room with two kids, a boy and a girl.  They were clearly not the twins. We played with them and read books to them.   I finally pulled the woman aside and asked, "Where are the twins?"  She brought me out of the room and explained that there was another family that came and got them earlier.  I was trying not to make a scene but I could not stop crying and was so distraught.  Even after I woke it took me a while to realize it was just a dream.  I shared it with Brent, and in true Brent fashion he was quiet for bit, held my hand, and then prayed for me.

The truth is, I have been fighting fear ever since we were matched with the twins.  I see their faces, pray for them everyday....we love them, and they are part of our everyday as a family. The thought of this somehow not coming to be (for whatever imagined reason) really scares me.  As Brent prayed, a greater truth came and permeated peace.  He prayed, ".....Lord these kids are yours.  They always have been and they always will be.  Our biological children, they are not ours.  They are Yours.  The twins, they are not ours. They are Yours.  Thank you for the gift of being able to love them and raise them...."

The great peace and assurance of God came, not because He assured me that they were mine, but because He assured me that they belong to Him.  They are in the safest hands.  Their future and their hope is secure in Him, and because of Him.   He is, and always will be, the author and perfecter of our faith.  I am reminded today of the great treasure we have in Christ, and in each other!!!  Today I choose to rest in His great truth, and appreciate the people in my life who so lovingly remind me of them every day.

 "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him.  For he shields them all day long and he rests between his shoulders." Deut. 33:12

Give Them Up!

          Grateful feels like such a small word to me lately....I'm searching for more to describe the gratitude in my heart to the Lord; for His Word, His promises, for access to Him through Jesus, for dear friends, for compassionate strangers, and for his faithfulness to provide!  Whether it is finances, a friend to talk to at just the right time, or fresh strategy in prayer, HE HAS BEEN FAITHFUL to bring it! Absolutely every penny, every detail, and every moment of this adoption process has been a divine move of God. 
           Lately the Lord has been moving me to rise up early. (I have completely given up on fighting these moments!) If I'm up early while everyone else is asleep, I usually walk quietly around the house and pray, but recently I've been heading out back.  I felt like the Lord was giving me new strategy in prayer for the twins.  I stood at my patio and faced the South/East and stretched my hands toward Haiti and began to pray for our children to be released....That every hold over their lives, and over their paper work would be released....That every scheme of the enemy to keep them orphans would be thwarted, and that they would come home and come into their identity as sons and daughters.... 
          Two things happened as I did this.  One, a Don Potter song came to mind, called, Give Them Up.  I pulled up the song, pulled out my bible, found Isaiah 43, and began to sing it and pray it over the twins. It felt like such a gift to have these voices and instruments declaring along with me.  Two, I looked again toward the South/East from where I stood and noticed the two "twin" palm trees directly in front of my hands! I began to declare Isaiah 61 over them:

 
Jesus you came

"....to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

Isaiah 61

".....Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east

and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’

and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’

Bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the ends of the earth—

everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made."

 Isaiah 43:5-7

 

I share this update with you to give glory to God for His Spirit that He freely gives, and for His great and precious promises to us! And also to ask that you would pray along with me in this season that our son and daughter from afar, who are called by His name and created for His glory, would be brought in!   

Update:

We have recently been given news that our case, along with some others specifically from our orphanage are expected to receive referrals soon.  This is a very very big deal. As soon as we receive our referral we will be making our two week bonding trip to meet them and spend time with them!!! We are reeling over this.  Although I can not share all the details, this is a crucial time for prayer.  Please join me in praying for God's mighty hand to move over their lives and over all the logistics surrounding them right now. 

I can't say thank you enough to those of you who have lovingly stood by us in this journey! God's richest blessings to you!!!! 

The June Game Changer

Every Monday our amazing agency coordinator sends all the Haiti families an update. Sometimes it's International news, or new paper work requirements, or upcoming adoption webinars, and every now and then it's news that someone is going to get their kids soon.  Well, as it always does, Monday came around, and I was feeling particularly cynical towards the waiting period we are in. We are waiting for our referral- a picture and some information of the child we have been matched with by our agency.  When Brent came home from work he asked, "Hey! Did you read the update?" To which I replied, "No. It's nothing...it's always nothing...nothings moving...blah." He thinks I should read it, and I comply.

As I scan through the paragraph headings I see, "Waiting Children...we have 6 profiles for children in Haiti...and just added twins- ages 7 1/2."  From that very moment I was gripped.  Then, I panicked, thinking, "Oh no! I should've read the email earlier...what if I waited too late?"  I immediately began to pursue them.  I requested the password to view the children, but it wasn't working. I was dying to see them.  That night was our eldest son's championship baseball game and I left my phone at home so I wouldn't be obsessing about the password coming in. But the whole time I was talking with the Lord in my mind.  "Lord, are these our children? Could these be our children?? Could they be a girl AND a boy???"  I would head to the stands when he was up to bat and then was off again pacing and praying.  We came home, and no password. It was very late at this point and early morning on the East coast but I emailed our agency coordinator to request the password and waited up just in case she might see it at 2:00 am and send it to me. Ha!

I finally went to bed and woke up early the next morning to a whisper, "Hey babe, Michelle sent the password".  I flailed over the bed grasping for my laptop with one eye half open, slurping the drool from the corner of my mouth and half asleep rasping out, "Quick! What is it? What is the password?" (I had my husband proofread to make sure I wasn't over-exaggerating.  He laughs and starts flailing his arms around making unintelligible noises. Yep, that's how he remembers it too.) I'm sitting up now, eyes almost fully open and as I type in the password I'm already starting to cry a little bit.  I scroll through pictures of many dear, precious faces and then I see a boy.  I begin to sob and sob.  I click the button to "learn more" and he is a twin. I can not find the other picture, so flailing mode again I cry, "The phone! Please give me my phone! I need to call the office".  At this point, Brent is excited in his heart too, but all he is doing is anchoring down for me.  We both know there is NOTHING at all that makes these kids ours.  I have not even seen a picture of the second child, and he sees the mama bear in me and he knows my heart is already gone.  It did feel a little out of body, and I can remember sort of seeing myself and saying, 'Fool! You need to calm down!' But I couldn't. The urgency really felt so strong.  I call the agency and they help me find the info, and lo and behold- A boy and a girl! Through tears I say, "We want them! We are more than interested in pursuing them.  We absolutely want them." I still had not seen the picture of the girl.  Right after the phone call, the info came. I saw them both and I was in awe of them. I sent out two more emails and left another phone message making it very clear that we wanted them. And long story short we waited for what seemed like forever to hear a clear word back.

And here is the game changer.  We were no longer waiting for a match to be sent to us.  We were now on this uncertain path, pursuing two specific children. We wanted them. We didn't know the process for waiting children.  We didn't know how many other families were possibly just as interested as we were.  We did know it was probably more complicated than we thought.  I knew we just had to wait and I knew that if these children were ours that there was nothing that could stand in the way, and if they weren't, then no amount of prying and pushing or pleading could make them ours.  It was really only 3 days waiting, but I needed those three days to surrender and commit my heart to trust. Finally we received the call that the twins were ours!!!  And again, with the tears!  Our hearts were overwhelmed and now my sweet, strong-for-me hubby was fully rejoicing too! So we continue now to wait and pray.  Please join us in sharing in our joy and praying that our children can be home with us soon!

Our Adoption Journey

In some ways it feels a little late in the game to start blogging now. But as I look back on our story up to this point I think, "Why have I not been sharing this amazing journey with anyone and everyone who may hear it?" For some things it truly is better late than never and I think this is one of those cases!  I will post more blogs later about how we got to this point, but for now I will share where we are currently.

Our happy family of five is soon to be The Seven Stahls!  In early June we received the glad news that we will be welcoming TWINS in to our family!! Seven year old siblings, a boy and a girl.  A son and a daughter.... We are so amazed and overwhelmed at this reality of ours. It has been a month now that we have known of them.  I will sit and stare at their pictures, and pray for them, and imagine being with them around the table, and smile. And I realize again these are my children.  Sometimes I try to resist that truth from sinking in because it becomes more painful each time.  Knowing that they are ours, but they are not yet ours.

It's funny... I wrote a song about seven years ago inspired by the movie Dandelion Dust (An adoption story written by Karen Kingsburry). I had heard the story from a friend of mine who was co-producing the movie and he asked me to take a stab at writing and submitting a song for it.  I did.  I remember being so moved.  When I sat down to write, the entire song came at once and I sobbed over the piano.  They didn't use the song for the movie, which I was personally fine with, but I often wondered why that song was given to me and why it had such a deep impact on me.  It felt weird that it seemed to not have any purpose outside of that moment.  And even throughout our journey so far, it hasn't really seemed to really click or connect until now.  Now I get it.  It's my song.

This is turning out to feel a little heavier than I thought...sorry.  The joy and the pain are both very real.  They are a real part of life and a real part of adoption.  The pain and sadness is there, but the joy we feel now and the joy that is set before us is truly greater than the pain. So I guess we are over-joyed! There is a bridge in the song I wrote that carries the hindsight perspective: "Now I see that it was You (God) who was holding tight to me. You are hope and You are love." Our strongest grip of hope and sacrifice made for love is nothing compared to His.  He is our joy.  He is the one who holds us together and will bring our children all the way home!