A Tale Of Two Teens

Today our eldest turned 13. A teenager. What a significant milestone right?  Brent and I had been specifically praying several months prior to his birthday, that the Lord would "launch" him into this next season of life.  We've felt so amazed and happy to see the Lord bless, honor, encourage, and fill him in some pretty outstanding ways.  We are incredibly grateful.

Today I can't help but think of the fact that we have two teenage boys....one that we have seen and known from the moment he took his first breath (I can still see him turning towards my voice and seeing one little eye peer open and look up at me) and one that we have never met.  To one of them we gave a name, but aren't even sure if we're pronouncing the name of the other correctly.  We have changed diapers, wiped tears, laughed with, argued with, snuggled with, hurt for, cheered for, and read stories to one of them for thirteen years, but have not yet heard the sound of the others voice.

Today I am reminded that God may use one thing to launch one person into their destiny, and something completely different for another.  He may use one circumstance to extend his grace and make one strong, and something polar opposite for another.  He will use whatever we have to give, and whatever it is, even if it is brokenness and confusion,  He can make it beautiful and use it for His glory. I am reminded, as I cry over every fisher price commercial because I will never see the chubby cheeks, or toddling walks of three of my children, that God is not bound to our idea of the blessed life.  He is wise and sovereign.  He has not cheated one and blessed the other.  He makes all things beautiful in His time.  He gave His life for all. They have both been given life, and have been living it for thirteen years.  They are both boys.  They are both my sons.  They are both heading into a new and significant season of life.  They both have purpose.  They both have destiny.  Two lives, two stories, one Author and Perfecter.  I pray they will both choose Him.

Today I choose to throw all my hope on Christ, the solid rock.  I choose to rejoice in the fact that He is Redeemer.  He found me when I was lost and broken, and healed and transformed my life, and adopted me as His own.  He set my life on this course.  I choose to trust in Gods plans for these boy's lives, and to look with joyful expectancy at the future that God has for both of them.  Tell me, is there anything to hard for God? 

These brothers need to meet!

 *Side note here! Although I have not met him or heard his voice yet, I have seen his picture and I absolutely can not wait for the day I get to share that amazing face with you! Please keep praying for us that God will give us the grace to endure and that he will keep moving miraculously on their behalf.  I never would have imagined that we would be spending another Christmas without them. It is so hard, but we are trusting and continuing to ask and ask for their soon home coming!

"God, the one and only— I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? He’s the solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul,  An impregnable castle: I’m set for life." Psalm 62 message

I Found Treasure!

I am so grateful for the seed that was planted long ago in my hubby's heart for adoption.  He has a papa's heart and deeply loves and values family.  I am thankful for the anchor he is for our household, and for the wisdom and perspective he brings.  Although I almost always complain about it, because it is different from mine, I truly treasure it and am grateful for the richness that it brings to my life.

This morning was one such treasured morning.  I dreamt last night that we were in Haiti for our bonding trip.  A woman showed me into a room with two kids, a boy and a girl.  They were clearly not the twins. We played with them and read books to them.   I finally pulled the woman aside and asked, "Where are the twins?"  She brought me out of the room and explained that there was another family that came and got them earlier.  I was trying not to make a scene but I could not stop crying and was so distraught.  Even after I woke it took me a while to realize it was just a dream.  I shared it with Brent, and in true Brent fashion he was quiet for bit, held my hand, and then prayed for me.

The truth is, I have been fighting fear ever since we were matched with the twins.  I see their faces, pray for them everyday....we love them, and they are part of our everyday as a family. The thought of this somehow not coming to be (for whatever imagined reason) really scares me.  As Brent prayed, a greater truth came and permeated peace.  He prayed, ".....Lord these kids are yours.  They always have been and they always will be.  Our biological children, they are not ours.  They are Yours.  The twins, they are not ours. They are Yours.  Thank you for the gift of being able to love them and raise them...."

The great peace and assurance of God came, not because He assured me that they were mine, but because He assured me that they belong to Him.  They are in the safest hands.  Their future and their hope is secure in Him, and because of Him.   He is, and always will be, the author and perfecter of our faith.  I am reminded today of the great treasure we have in Christ, and in each other!!!  Today I choose to rest in His great truth, and appreciate the people in my life who so lovingly remind me of them every day.

 "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him.  For he shields them all day long and he rests between his shoulders." Deut. 33:12

Bitter-sweet

Some of my favorite moments as a mother happen when no one is looking.  When I spy out my bedroom window and watch Grace bake cupcakes in the sand box, or listen in the hallway as Elijah saves the universe, or catch my tween flexing and puffing up his chest in the mirror.  It gives me butterflies in my tummy and a lump in my throat.  In the midst of all the chaos and day to day conflict there are so many sweet moments to be captured.  I have always been one to stop and smell the roses; to take note of detail...and to wonder.


The road of adoption has been a bitter-sweet one.  Every thing that we love and enjoy as a family now carries the sting of our little ones who are not with us.  It seems to make it's way into every detail.  Saturdays are always hard.  I imagine the girls sharing a picnic, or all three boys playing basketball as I look out my kitchen window. But this is where it gets me every time- that darn rear view mirror!  We load up in the van to head to church or make a quick trip to the grocery store. I give the rear view mirror a check,  call back, "Every body buckled up?" and look to see all their faces. What used to be a seemingly harmless routine now brings tears to my eyes, because I look back and NOT every one is buckled up.  Not everyone is there.  It's crazy how it hits me.  One of the kids may or may not notice and ask what's wrong.  I'm honest...and we pray.  The prayers rise like incense and the sweetness fills the air.

Yesterday evening we were all just kind of putsing around, happily doing our own thing. I hear my middle boy from the kitchen.  It was loud and clear, yet I could hear a tightness in his throat. "I love you so much mom and dad......It feels like I'm about to cry...." I brought him over to me and sat him on my lap. He turned his face in towards my neck and started to cry. He said, "I am just so glad I have a family..." I held him and we quietly cried together.  There is this sadness.  We all carry it now.  It is a sadness that cries out for redemption and has the aroma of hope.  It is a mixture of immense gratitude and a new awareness of the great need and loss around us.  It is a very potent mixture. 

We knew when we stepped foot on this path that it was an unknown one.  We knew it wouldn't be easy.  There is always an out, there is always the opportunity to fake it or distract myself from it,  or BECOME bitter.  But when we drink the cup that the Lord gives us no matter how bitter or sweet, it always causes our lives to BECOME sweeter.  It's not just a story or an experience it is the sacrificial love and life of Christ that has been poured out for us and in to us by his Spirit and his grace that causes us to become like Him and share in His joy!  All we do is drink...we just say yes...we trust Him. 

I am so grateful that Jesus drank the cup to seal my adoption!  It was for the joy set before him that he endured. I know my cross is different from His but I am called to take up MY cross and FOLLOW him.  I gladly follow that man!!  Even through tears, I will trust Him as I wait.  At my absolute weakest I will worship with all my heart.  And I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!