Wide Open Spaces

I have to tell the story.  I can't let it pass by. I am making time because it’s too good.  My God is too good and I can hardly keep up with him!  

I woke up sobbing at 5:00 this morning.  How many times have I sobbed in the last two years, from pain, sadness, anger, doubt, waiting? Always fighting for hope. Always longing.  But this morning was a different kind of cry.

A little less than three weeks ago Brent and I returned from Haiti. I have yet to form adequate words for our time there and for our children there whom we love so deeply.  

But if you were ever wondering, as my friend asked of the Lord with tears and hope, “Ok, God, Now what will prayer do?”  Then let me tell you.  Many of you have been praying for years, and the time finally came for us.  

FRIENDS, I can not begin to tell you how we were carried by you.  Not a moment of fear, heaviness, or darkness.  We never felt tired, frustrated or sick for more than a moment.  Our hearts were overflowing with every ripe delicious fruit of the spirit. Our love and appreciation for each other grew as we witnessed each other love on everyone around us, from the tiniest little baby holding on to life, to our driver, to the tired nannies, and of course all the kids.  So many kids. We felt the love of God sustain us.  We felt the overwhelming favor and blessing of God.  And our time with our children was beyond what we had hoped for, and we had very high, deep and wide hopes.  Every moment, we knew it was prayer.  We knew it was God, but we knew it was prayer, and we knew it was you. Thank you.  It’s a word we learn to say for everything from the time we’re given cherrios as a toddler, but I do say Thank you from the bottom of MY HEART!!!

Ok, so back to the sobbing! We came back from Haiti Monday the 12th of October. It was extremely difficult, and for the first week I hid and felt horrible.  I didn’t even call my mom for many many days. Saturday came around and our dear friends Geoff and Jill Ludlow were hosting a retreat day called Oasis.  They do these incredible days of rest, refresh, receive about 3-4 times a year, and I try to go every time for at least a portion of time.  It has always been a significant time for me.  They have been given some keys, so to speak, and everything they do opens up an atmosphere of God’s presence, safety, love, and HIS VOICE. Brent sent me for the day and I experienced such tremendous refreshing and encouragement.  There is a lot I could share about all the ways God was speaking and how clearly he was confirming things in my heart. I felt him lifting heaviness and comforting me in my loss and sorrow, and giving me direction.  But here is what kicked off the craziest? Wildest? Funnest? two weeks for the Stahl family.  I just can't go into all the detail, it would take forever, but we’ll just say God used this hearing the holy spirit through the word of God exercise to speak to my heart about my fear of wide open spaces, and more specifically, moving to a larger home.  The Lord was confronting me.  I became suddenly aware of how awkward and uncomfortable I felt around the idea of a larger living space.  The Lord began to lovingly put his finger on many areas of judgement, control, fear, you know, all that good stuff. He was beginning to undo years of lies, vows, beliefs, and unbelief.  Well, then after this exercise, Geoff comes up for some closing words and what does he talk about? Yes, fear of wide open spaces.  Well, I found that man afterwards and we talked and prayed and God was there and it was good.  

I came home to an empty house.  Yes! A few more moments of prayer and responding to the Lord!! :) God reminded me of a question he asked me about a year ago. I had sort of responded but I never actually answered His question.  He had asked “Why do you think I would expand every other area of your life, your ministry, your work, your relationships, your family and not expand the literal place where you dwell?” At the time I said something like, “Oh, you’re right God, I guess I’m open to whatever you have….” But the Lord reminded me in that moment, His question to me was,

In our kitchen about 4 years ago...

“Why do you not believe this about me?”

He was really asking me, can I show you why you don’t believe this about me and then let me show you who I really am? ….More undoing, more healing, more freedom. More YES!  

Brent and I passed each other throughout the day several times and I never got to share with him.  We finally grabbed a moment and sat down together Sunday afternoon.  I asked him, “Hey! Do you want to grab some food and listen to me talk for an hour?!” And of course, he said of course :) I began to share what God was speaking to me about the house and moving, and all my junk, and all God’s goodness.  We went back to the van and prayed. Again, more freedom. More goodness.  

I was officially letting go, and we were officially looking for a new home for our growing family. The following week was full of hilarious God moments. We looked at one house this week, I was expecting it to feel like it was going to be it.  It felt like everything we technically needed, but so much work.  Like, insane amounts of work.  I thought we could never afford something of this size with all that we are looking for without it being a fixer-upper. More listening, sorting and trusting. My faith was growing.  I was seeing God initiate and lead every moment. This week came along and this story is not much longer. We found another house we wanted to look at.  We all went on Thursday.  When we walked up the pathway my heart started beating faster, we opened the gate to a beautiful little courtyard, it felt like me. I loved it. We opened the doors to the house and I felt a wave come over me.  It took my breath away.  Brenna (our friend and realtor) and I looked at each other.  Her hands were up and her mouth was open.  I was getting teary.  It was beautiful.  It is an older house, the style and character that we love, but almost everything was brand new and beautiful. Every room I stepped into felt this way.  The landscaping from front to back was just beautiful.  I was naming every plant and tree with delight. The kids all loved it.  Brent and I loved it. Brenna took my hands and we prayed together in the back yard. To me, this house said, well taken care of, comfortable, special, protected.  That is just what our family is going to need more than ever in this coming season. We went home, grabbed Elijah’s karate bag, went to practice, grabbed Soli from football, finally grabbed some dinner, got the kids to bed and applied online with a loan officer.  We put in an offer the next day.  There were already several offers in.  We heard back within hours. Brenna had written a letter sharing about our family’s journey and they were so thrilled to know that all the work that they had put into this home would be going towards our family! The only counter offer was that we would extend to 60 days. Which means more time to sell our home for the down payment, and holidays here one more time for our family in the home they have lived in all their lives up to this point.

So here I am.  I’ve got to get moving!!  I’ve got to get my house ready to show and sell!!! But with tears of joy I had to write it out! And tell of his goodness to all my friends! You’ve loved us so well, listened, shared and cried life out with us. We are grateful for you and thankful for this good good Father and family that we have.

When the Lord brought back the captive ones of Zion we were like those who dream.  Our mouths were filled with laughter; our tongues with joyful shouting.  They said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.”  The Lord had done great things for us and we are filled with joy!

Renewed Strength

 My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. 

 I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus name.  

The holidays were rough and the wait just keeps getting harder. I found myself getting cynical and very weary in the waiting, "...until I entered the house of the Lord..." Some friends asked how everything was going with the adoption and the dam broke.  We were told to expect our referral in September and every month it turns into "next month". January has been no exception, and I am just so tired of waiting.  The words echoed in my mind as we began to pray together and I realized something.  Somewhere along the line I started waiting on people and papers.  No wonder I was exhausted!  "Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength!  They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint."  I repented and shifted the weight of my waiting back towards the Lord.  I am so grateful for the finished work of the cross.  We  can come to him with any burden, sin, or struggle...anything that hinders love and freedom in our lives, and he lifts it from us, washes us clean, and renews our mind with his truth that sets us free.

So I am choosing to wait on the Lord, and put my hope in Him.  It's nice :) I will not stop praying and fighting for my children to come home, but I will do it in the strength that comes from Him, and I will be thankful!  Instead of complaining about what is not yet here, I am choosing to be hopeful for it and thankful for what God has done.

Here is a little recap of what HAS happened in the last couple of months:  

We finished the girl's bedroom!  Brent laid new flooring in their room, Grace helped me paint the walls, and Elijah helped sand and paint furniture.  I was able to get all their bedding, pillows and rug with a loving generous gift from friends.

There is a sweet, fabulous group of women that I had the privilege of sitting around a table with

for a women's bible study almost two years ago.  They have been kind, faithful friends and have shown so much support towards our journey.  They had been cooking up an idea for an adoption fundraising Holiday Boutique for a long time and it came to fruition this Christmas.  They raised funds for three adopting families.  It was a beautiful and successful event! I am so grateful for such love.

 We received a call from our agency early one morning to let us know what we needed to do to move forward with the adoption of the twins older brother.  We needed more papers State Certified, so I grabbed my posse and we headed up to Sacramento that morning.  Remember that one time it rained all day long?  It was that day.  We made it safely there, got all our papers taken care of, and of course I just had to take every one to Estelle's Patiserie.  We celebrated with lovely cakes, macarons, and giant chocolate filled croissants.  Then walked back to the van while it poured rain on us.

We finally decided on keeping all four boys together in the boy's existing bedroom.  I was amazed at how it all came together and how much room they have.  Solomon and I took a road trip to IKEA to bring home bunk beds and bedding for their room.  We had a great time on the road, got a chance to pray with strangers, ate swedish meatballs, raced around on shopping carts and came home with what we needed.  Success!

He built both beds the next day!

I must not forget to tell you, while painting the boys room I received a phone call from one of the adoption grant agencies that we had applied to.  I was completely stunned when she announced to me that we had received a unbelievable $15,000.00 grant from their organization!!!!  I am so far beyond thankful. This is almost exactly what we needed for our son!  It is these moments that I can see why Jesus says, "Don't worry about ANYTHING, but pray about everything." There is no number too big and no need to great for Him, and I am thankful.

A Tale Of Two Teens

Today our eldest turned 13. A teenager. What a significant milestone right?  Brent and I had been specifically praying several months prior to his birthday, that the Lord would "launch" him into this next season of life.  We've felt so amazed and happy to see the Lord bless, honor, encourage, and fill him in some pretty outstanding ways.  We are incredibly grateful.

Today I can't help but think of the fact that we have two teenage boys....one that we have seen and known from the moment he took his first breath (I can still see him turning towards my voice and seeing one little eye peer open and look up at me) and one that we have never met.  To one of them we gave a name, but aren't even sure if we're pronouncing the name of the other correctly.  We have changed diapers, wiped tears, laughed with, argued with, snuggled with, hurt for, cheered for, and read stories to one of them for thirteen years, but have not yet heard the sound of the others voice.

Today I am reminded that God may use one thing to launch one person into their destiny, and something completely different for another.  He may use one circumstance to extend his grace and make one strong, and something polar opposite for another.  He will use whatever we have to give, and whatever it is, even if it is brokenness and confusion,  He can make it beautiful and use it for His glory. I am reminded, as I cry over every fisher price commercial because I will never see the chubby cheeks, or toddling walks of three of my children, that God is not bound to our idea of the blessed life.  He is wise and sovereign.  He has not cheated one and blessed the other.  He makes all things beautiful in His time.  He gave His life for all. They have both been given life, and have been living it for thirteen years.  They are both boys.  They are both my sons.  They are both heading into a new and significant season of life.  They both have purpose.  They both have destiny.  Two lives, two stories, one Author and Perfecter.  I pray they will both choose Him.

Today I choose to throw all my hope on Christ, the solid rock.  I choose to rejoice in the fact that He is Redeemer.  He found me when I was lost and broken, and healed and transformed my life, and adopted me as His own.  He set my life on this course.  I choose to trust in Gods plans for these boy's lives, and to look with joyful expectancy at the future that God has for both of them.  Tell me, is there anything to hard for God? 

These brothers need to meet!

 *Side note here! Although I have not met him or heard his voice yet, I have seen his picture and I absolutely can not wait for the day I get to share that amazing face with you! Please keep praying for us that God will give us the grace to endure and that he will keep moving miraculously on their behalf.  I never would have imagined that we would be spending another Christmas without them. It is so hard, but we are trusting and continuing to ask and ask for their soon home coming!

"God, the one and only— I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? He’s the solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul,  An impregnable castle: I’m set for life." Psalm 62 message

We Are Filled With Joy!

I have spent several early mornings and late nights looking up at the stars and echoing the psalmist, "What is man that you are mindful of him..." I have thought over and over again, "We are just one little family...we are nobodies, yet you are moving mountains for us..." He has done miracle after miracle for us and for our little ones to come, and I am so thankful.  I am also glad that I don't have to wait, or give a little space before I ask for another miracle! There is no shortage with our Father and it is His good pleasure to give us the kingdom.

I want to share with you some of the amazing things he has done and is doing.  If you look over to the right you will see our thermometer has reached $50,000.00.  Is this not insane?!! I cant even explain it!  I'll admit, sometimes when people ask how much money it is costing us to adopt, I don't always give them the real answer.  I'll say over $30k or around $49k, because once you get past $50k it's just so unrelatable for most of us, so I don't even say it. But here it is!  Even though I had no clue as to how this money was going to come in, I knew He would do it.  And even though I knew He would do it, and He has done it, I am still completely blown away! We are praising God for His favor and provision, and for so many loving generous souls who carry such incredible vision for the Kingdom.

Now, I did say amazing things (plural) so, what else could be so amazing? Praise God we are NOT done raising funds yet because, well, the Lord has seen fit to give us another son!!! Yes, we are beside ourselves with joy and laughter because God has held this beautiful miracle in His heart forever, and it is now unfolding before our eyes and we can hardly take it in.

We were told early on that the twins had a brother, but that he had "aged out" and was not adoptable. We've had conversations as to how we could keep he and the twins connected in the future, but that was the extent of it.  However, a few weeks ago Brent and I were praying for all our kids and he mentioned to me that as he was sharing with a friend about the twin's older brother, he started to cry.  We prayed for him, but deep in my heart I thought, "Oh Lord, does this mean something more for our family?" I felt the nudge to inquire about this brother, and found that he has only just recently turned 13, and he is in fact adoptable! When I read the information, I just stared at the screen with tears running down my face.  I couldn't even form a thought.  I had to rush off to a Dr.s appt. and then head out of town.  I got some good time on the road to pray and think.  As the minutes flew by, love, hope, and courage began to grow inside of me, and I could hardly contain my joy.  Brent, Solomon, and I (we both felt led to include Soli in the process of praying, and listening, believing for unity) prayed for two days and all felt strongly that we were supposed to adopt this precious boy.  So we are now on the path toward bringing him home as well!

We have been amazed over and over at the perfect timing of the Lord throughout this whole journey, and we just have to believe that the discovery of this brother, at this time, is all in God's hands. I can't help but think, "Who is this boy, Lord?! Who is this priceless treasure that you are setting apart for your glory, for such a time as this?" Oh, we can hardly wait to get to know him!

Hovering Hope, Hand in Hand, and Hahaha!!!

One of my favorite pictures from scripture is in the very beginning.  “….In the beginning the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the waters.”   This word moved -rachaph, means to be moved and effected with the feeling of tender love; to brood on eggs (as a hen); to sooth a child (as a mother). 

The word “move” has been a theme for us throughout this adoption process. We have felt so moved by the heart of God towards adoption, and recognize in a new way how deeply and fiercely the Father’s heart is moved towards His children. We have prayed for, and seen papers and processes miraculously move.  We are seeing huge financial mountains move.  And we see many friends moved and effected with a feeling of tender love towards our family.  Many of you are brooding over our “eggs” with us! This is the most cherished gift we could receive.  We knew from the very start that we needed family and friends around us to help walk this journey out.  And because of so many of you we have felt the strength to run! 

The past few weeks have been quite emotional for us. The twins had their 8th birthday on October 3rd, and that was very hard for me.  The longing for them grows more everyday.  But the days surrounding their birthday were filled with some very happy encouraging news. Things are moving! Here are some of the miracles that God is doing on our behalf....

1. Our previous debt for the first payment for the twins IS GONE!!!!  $15,000.00 DONE.  (I really want to write that again)  Our previous debt for the first payment for the twins IS GONE!!!!  $15,000.00 DONE. Such an incredible miracle!

2. We received our first grant!!! It is a matching grant from Hand in Hand Adoption, Inc. and it is a matching grant for $5,000.00!!!!  So, we raise 5 and they add 5! All this money will be able to go towards our next payment due when our referral comes. If you have ever thought about giving towards our adoption, now would be a great time to do so!  (*Details for giving are at the bottom of this post)

3. Much to our agency coordinators surprise, she received news from Haiti that we were much further along in the process than she had thought.  Although I can't share details, if you want to pray for something specific, please pray for the children's judge in Haiti to sign the papers we need for our referral!!!  Once we receive our referral we fly out to meet them for our bonding trip,  we are free to visit them as often as possible from this point until they are home with us, and we will finally get to show you their beautiful faces and share more information about their stories. 

Aaaaaaannd 4.  The twins just turned 7, NOT 8! Hahaha!!! :D The papers had all communicated that the twins were already seven and that their birthdays are Oct 3rd, but I never bothered to do the math.  They were born Oct 3, 2007.  This is so sweet to know we have another year of life with them.  I thought seven was gone. 

Just like the Holy Spirit moved over the watery void in preparation for light and life to spring forth, we have experienced many moments where there has been nothing in sight and we've mostly just felt the empty void, but can deeply sense the presence of the Holy Spirit moving and preparing us for what God has.  It is in these miraculous moments of provision, and progress that we get glimpses of what is to come and hope is stirred!  We can hardly wait for the day that we see these little lives spring forth and their adoption is complete.  We know that one day the Lord will speak the word and they will be completely released to us as sons and daughters!

I want to thank you so much for reading and taking interest in our journey.  If you have prayed at all for us, please know that we are immensely grateful.  I absolutely know these miracles are happening because of prayer.  If you have given at all, whether it was a check in the mail or a trunk load of yard sale donations, thank you thank you thank you!  God has moved huge mountains through your generosity, and our hearts are racing with excitement as we move closer to the day we will meet our son and daughter and bring them into our family!!!


*If you would like to give towards the matching grant fund all donations are due by November 14, they are tax deductible, and will go towards our next fee of $15,000 which is due as soon we receive our referral.  Please make checks  payable to “Hand in Hand Christian Adoption” (for tax purposes please include our name on the outside of the envelope only. Do not put our name on the check itself) postmarked by November 14, 2014 to:

Hand in Hand Christian Adoption, Inc.
Brent and Monica Stahl
18318 Mimosa Court
Gardner, KS 66030

Look! Five little eggs. In time, we shall see....For now, we believe.